Fitting in – is it really worth it?

Have you ever considered how often you do things just to fit in, to go along with friends or family, even though you feel it’s something you’d rather not do?

Many of us have, at one time or another, done exactly that – often in teenage years we succumb to peer pressure to fit in with whatever is the trend of the moment, be it drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, taking drugs, being sexually active, wearing a certain style or fashion, using certain words or language, truancy, following a band, singer or celebrity, and a host of other behaviours that might be considered cool, happening, and needed to be done if we want to stay and fit in to the group, circle or gang we are part of. Some will even involve more extreme behaviours including criminal activity, particularly amongst young boys, like joy riding cars, stealing or being part of an underground organisation of criminal activity.

The pressure to conform is huge and those who do not are often teased, bullied, harassed and called names. It takes a strong teenager to say no to alcohol when all their friends are drinking; to say no to sex when the expected norm is to say yes and the sooner the better; it takes a strong teenager to listen to the voice of their own conscience and say no when all around them are saying yes.  

As we grow and mature we like to think we become our own person and live life according to how we want to live it, that we make our own choices and no longer need to conform to the expectations and demands of society, family or friends. But I wonder, if on closer examination this is actually true?

There is an unspoken law that says one must not be alone at Christmas time and anyone who is must be a sad, lonely, friendless person who is to be pitied and taken care of, brought in from the cold and forced to spend time with others – even if those others are virtual and not physically present. This year there was a #joinin campaign on Twitter where those who were alone by choice or circumstance could converse with other aloners (I just made that word up) and so not be alone.

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people connecting, relating and being sociable and helping those who feel lonely….as loneliness is a killer in more ways than one, but there is a huge difference between being alone and lonely and all too often people and society project on to those who are alone and assume they must be lonely, when that is not necessarily the case. But what I’m questioning here is the hypocrisy that says it’s ok to be alone 364 days of the year but not this one ‘special’ day as well as busting the myth that makes out being alone = loneliness and is a state to be pitied or avoided at all costs.  

Given every day is just a cycle repeating itself as the earth spins on its axis, there are no special days, other than the specialness we give to them. And so, if every day is special because we are alive, on earth, able to enjoy the vistas of nature, the flow of our own breath, the joy of our own movements, the warmth and love in our hearts, then we can enjoy every day and no one day is any more special than any others buy twitch followers. We can be alone and know we are never alone in this one interconnected world of energy.  But heaven forbid that someone should actually enjoy their own company (alone) on Christmas day… or any day for that matter!  For sure, that’s a way to not fit in, to stand out from the crowd…

I realise I regularly make some choices to ‘fit in’, be sociable, to comply with the expectations of others, and to not upset the proverbial apple cart. At the time, it seems easier to go along with it, rather than stand out and be seen as different; yet every time I know by how I feel the next day that I have significantly compromised my body, my wellbeing, my clarity and how I feel about myself. It’s like another slice is carved away from my self-respect, in the knowing that I have not been true to myself, that I have made fitting in and complying more important than my health, my wellbeing, my regard and respect for myself. It’s an insidious poison that erodes from the inside, devouring layers of self-respect and self-worth in the knowing that yet again, I have succumbed to do that which I know is no longer true for me. And why? Why do I still choose to conform, to fit in, even when it is harming me?  To gain some succour from the connections perhaps…. but how true is the connection if I’m not being true to me? Are those moments of connection worth it, if I am compromising myself in some way, such that the next day I feel out of sorts in more ways than one?

And there is a reality to that, recognisable in the path of some who have stood out from the crowd; history shows that humanity is not kind to those who live a different way, who don’t fit in or conform to societal expectations, who challenge the current paradigm of how to live life…but who were true to themselves and the truth they knew and felt in their own hearts.

Deep down we all know this to be true – stand out, put your head above the parapet and there’s a good chance it will get cut off, metaphorically if not literally these days! Usually led today by some hungry and unscrupulous aspects of the media who will twist, manipulate, distort and lie in order to sell a good story with no regard for the true facts or truth. Whilst we may not all be called to be on the world stage for such media attacks to occur, whether it’s on the world stage or amongst our own friends and family there is no difference. The latter is just a microcosm of the macrocosm that is the world stage. We are all on the world stage in one way or another whether we like it or not. And so the pressure to conform, to fit in, to not stand out is very real …but it is also killing us, for we are living a lie and we know it.

Being true to oneself begins with oneself, developing a quality of relationship with ourselves and our bodies so that we know who we are and that we are worth looking after to the max, where we are no longer willing to sell out, to compromise ourselves in order to fit in, to conform, to not stand out – and that too starts with the choices we make when with friends, family and work colleagues. Yes, the apple cart may get turned over, some might even get squashed and discarded, as we find out who truly accepts us as we are and who we truly are, and who only accepts us as long we conform to their expectations of us.

And even though I can answer no to those questions, I also know that the pattern of fitting in is so engrained, so pervasive, that I will not shift it overnight, but that it will be a gradual process of catching it, letting it go and no doubt making a few mistakes along the way, where my fitting in will yet again lead to a rather loud message from my body that I have once again, chosen a lie over truth. 

Even if this resulted in us being alone (although it need not do so), we are in truth never alone, but forever interconnected with the whole of life eternally so. The love we are cannot be extinguished by anyone or anything – it can only be covered by our choices to keep it hidden and in doing so we perpetuate the ill ways of life we know are not true.

 

Feel free to share your observations and experiences of fitting in…..and whether it was worth it….